You swear he must’ve introduced himself to you at some point, but you’ll be darned if you can remember. It’s all good, buddy! Saying “excuse me” to a stranger so you can grab a bag of cauliflower rice is an awkward situation you’re sometimes just not in the mood for. So, while you’ve waited for someone to get out of your way at the grocery store, you’ve spent your sweet time learning everything you can about a jar of gherkins. You sneezed and someone said “bless you.” While most people would reply with “thank you,” your confused brain somehow came up with “you too” or “you’re welcome,” instead.
You, of course, fooled everybody. We all naturally assumed that when your arms suddenly started flailing and your legs fell behind you, it’s because you were starting a spontaneous and super funky dance routine and not because you tripped and almost fell on your rear. Maybe the smaller version of the internet has something more interesting or new than what the big internet has to offer. “Oh, look, let’s check Facebook again, but this time on a different screen!” It’s like starting the newsfeed fresh.ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb
You had every intention of cracking open that new best-seller and getting some reading done. But instead you just took a dozen foot selfies near the ocean, and then fell asleep. The little light is on, we know the elevator is probably coming, but we can’t help ourselves. What if one more button push is needed to adequately express our urgency to the elevator? Because otherwise, what’s to stop an elevator from taking its time? Unless we’re really pounding on that button, the machine won’t know we’re in a hurry.
Why do we think we’re going to remember exactly how many teaspoons of milk versus water we need? And for other behaviors you should be thinking twice about, check out 23 Rude Things You Didn’t Realize You’re Doing Every Day. We all do it, but “one a month” sounds suspicious. Listen, your doctors aren’t there to judge you—they’re there to help you, so give an honest answer to this one. And for the things you should absolutely fess up to, check out 40 Things You Should Never Lie to Your Doctor About After 40. You want to send a text to Karen about Bob, but you accidentally search Bob’s name in your contact list because he’s on your mind. It happens to the best of us. But it’s how you recover that really matters. Obviously, the only reason your smartphone can’t find a Wifi signal is that it hates you and is being a jerk. When the printer decides to jam, it’s because it’s still holding some hidden grudge against you, specifically, and has made a conscious decision to make your life more difficult. Technology doesn’t just stop working, it fails on purpose—leading to our many angry outbursts at inanimate objects. It’s not your fault! The Godfather was on cable, and the bag was on your lap, and it’s a loooong movie, and, for some reason, Doritos don’t come with an emergency kill switch to close the bag before it’s too late. Suuure, it did. And for other things you probably do on a regular basis, check out the 50 Annoying Things Everyone Does. You’re at a birthday party for a person you only kinda know. It’s time to sing “Happy Birthday” to them, and you belt out every lyric with gusto, until you get to the part where you sing their name, and you realize you only vaguely remember what the birthday boy or girl’s name is. So, you mumble something incoherently, hoping your sudden change in volume isn’t too obvious. If their prescriptions aren’t your business, then whose business are they exactly? How exactly is turning down the volume going to help us parallel park? Who knows! This is just one of the many funny things people do that doesn’t come with a simple explanation. The average person misplaces his or her phone approximately one million times a day. For most of us, that leads to a combination of frustration and hilarity, especially when we start searching for it when it’s still in our hand. You may have even looked under your bed for it using your phone’s flashlight function before realizing what you were doing. Whether shopping for clothes, furniture, or even food, you’ve experienced legitimate sticker shock after seeing the outrageous price tag on an item. However, rather than get flustered and walk away, you’ve stuck around for a few minutes pretending that you’re still considering buying it while waiting for your blood pressure to get back into a less precarious zone. It’s not just some tunes for an afternoon stroll—it’s the soundtrack to your own action-adventure movie, in which you’re the star! In this particular scene, you’re strutting down the street in perfect time to whatever your favorite song of the moment is, and all the extras are watching you go, trembling at your awesomeness.
You’re wrapping presents and you get to the end of your supply and are holding a cardboard tube. What do you do? The answer’s obvious: You start humming lightsaber noises and twirling it like Ewan McGregor. (What else is there to do?)
There are so many reasons to fake a laugh, and not just because you’re being polite. Sometimes the fake laugh is a way of covering up that we actually don’t have any idea what was just said. You’ve finished your shower. It’s time to get dressed. But the moment you sit on your bed while wearing a towel, you can’t seem to get motivated. You just stare at the ceiling and think about… nothing, really. It’s just like meditation, except in a towel. Nobody wants to look creepy, so we try to find the perfect ratio between making eye contact and looking away. But it’s easy to overthink it, and you spend so much time in your head (“Am I staring at her too hard? I should look away casually, and then look back, maybe after three seconds, or is that too long?”) that we end up not hearing a word they’re saying.
Hey, it happens to the best of us. A second trip? Absurd. Better to just balance four plastic bags on each arm, grip two bags with your teeth, hold the milk between your knees, and bunny hop into the house. You just keep washing them—over and over. Don’t worry, everyone does this.
Should I put my beach blanket on this plot of sand with a view of the ocean, or on that other plot of sand, with the exact same view, a few yards away? Better think about it a little longer. Somehow, you kept ordering delivery after work, and, before you knew it, those veggies went bad. Still, at age 43, you want there to be a fiver in there. You’re not alone! Phew! It’s the smartest thing you could have done. Let’s be serious, nobody is telling the whole truth during that game. It’s just a way to brag about an adventurous and risky past that, in truth, likely wasn’t quite as adventurous or risky as you’ve portrayed it.
Spoiler alert: You’re not fooling anyone. We all know what you’re really doing. Nobody texts at full arm’s length while making a duckface. You might as well be holding a selfie stick! Would it be so bad just to turn down an invitation by saying, “No thanks, I’m gonna stay home and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns in my PJs?” OK, maybe it would. Never mind, continue fibbing. You know what’s great about an old fashioned watch? It doesn’t come with a Facebook app. You’ve probably also jumped on your bed so the monster underneath it couldn’t grab your legs, too.
That smug jerk at the office who doesn’t take you seriously won’t know what hit him when you deliver the epic send-off you’ve been rewriting and fine-tuning for months. It’s pure poetry, as if William Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde had a love-child who wasn’t going to be pushed around at work by some dude who can’t stop talking about his Ivy League education. You’ll never say any of it out loud, but at least it’s in your head, and that’s satisfaction enough. As if you forgot what you just wrote!
What is it about a few dry tortilla chips or a cupcake that makes you want to boogie a little? You know you’ve done it! There are few greater joys in life than belting out one of your favorite songs in the car, especially when you’re bored in traffic. However, during a heartfelt rendition of “Someone Like You” with the windows up, you’ve gotten so into the zone that you totally forgot that other people can see you—like the driver one lane over who’s having a good laugh about your award-worthy performance. We all know that eavesdropping isn’t exactly polite, but if people didn’t want you to listen in on their conversations, why do they have such interesting ones in public? You’ve definitely had entire meals where you barely talked to the person you’re dining with in favor of listening to the relationship drama of the couple behind you—and, of course, giving mental notes in your head.
Sure, the movie’s iconic theme song may not actually be on your workout playlist, but the spirit of the champion is definitely in you when you’re pounding the pavement. And, of course, you’ve practiced those competition-level jabs and right hooks along the way. You know that humans aren’t the only ones who can use a little self-esteem boost from time to time. You’ve definitely reminded your beloved pet just how smart and special and terrific they are before a walk or vet appointment. Breaking out your phone to take a photo, only to realize that the front-facing camera is on, is one of the most harrowing experiences. You’re probably guilty of letting out an audible yelp and quickly closing the camera app after seeing yourself at that angle. Who cares if the change is even correct? You know there are carts behind you and you’re not going to be the one holding up the line today.
You know that feeling of sliding into a freshly made bed, and you start rubbing your legs together, like a cricket chirping? Where in the world did that instinct come from? It’s like you’re trying to start a fire with your legs and make the bed feel even cozier. That guy with the wet cough two rows over? He is definitely contagious. That’s the number one thing airport security looks for, you know. If someone is really friendly and personable, going the extra mile to seem nicer and more accommodating than everybody else, then they should definitely be escorted directly to their gates and, if possible, given a free upgrade. Whether it’s in a movie theater or a public park or an airport terminal, nobody wants to sit next to a stranger, especially if there are other seats available. But we also don’t want to be perceived as jerks. So if somebody sits down in the seat directly next to us and we feel uncomfortable enough to move, we’ll wait a few minutes, because we don’t want them thinking that were moving because of them, even though we totally are. Why do we keep making that same mistake, time and time again? You know what a headache might be a symptom of? Literally every fatal disease ever! It’s not that you don’t love your friends and family. But you don’t need to be around them every second of the day.
